The Hidey Hole

Name:
Location: United States

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected, it would be the million-dollar question that was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it

A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or (D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer, and she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask TheAudience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was a blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded without hesitation, "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

After what seemed like an eternity, Regis said, "That answer is . . . absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million pounds.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant, "How did you appen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Quotables

I seriously doubt the true sources of these, but they are pretty funny. Enjoy them at face value.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like: being spanked every day by an attractive middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for, later in life.”

Elmo Phillips
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"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."

Woody Allen
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"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner
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"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia
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"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns
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"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone
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“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods
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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson
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“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro
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"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman
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"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked'."

Jerry Seinfeld
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"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams
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“It's been so long since I’ve had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers
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“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

Geography Lesson

Don't blame me, a woman sent this my way.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia.
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia.
Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia.
A glorious and all conquering past but alas, little future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but almost no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe.
Ruled by a dick.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Muwahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Technical Information Bulletin

201 Paper Jam Error on Lexmark Printers

What's the Problem?
The LCD display on the printer reads:

201 Paper Jam
Remove Cartridge

What's the Cause?
Mouse or other rodent is caught in the fuser as depicted below:


What do I need to do?
It is important to wear gloves for this procedure as rodents carry disease even when deceased:

  1. Open the printer's front cover.
  2. Remove the print cartridge.
  3. Take pictures because no one will believe you if you don't.
  4. Carefully pull rodent free.
  5. Dispose of rodent.
  6. Reassemble printer.
  7. Print a test page to dispose of any fur.

Why Wasn't Greenpeace in the Thames?

So, this whale swims into the Thames. The British are so concerned about getting this sick whale back to the ocean, that they try to hoist it out os the water and drive it to the ocean. Why couldn't they just leave the whale alone? If it was sick, is it possible that muscling it around could be a bad idea? If it was dying, what would be the best way for it to die? In the water where it have lived all its life, or on the back of some truck being poked and prodded by humans? What were these idiots thinking? If Greenpeace had been in England instead of screwing with the Japanese, they could have blocked the British from being total blockheads. Missed opportunities.

A friend in England sent me this today. It pretty much covers the finer points.

That's It! I Want to Live in Japan!

This 57 year old Japanese man has been found to be living with a harem of 10 women in their 20s and 30s. He says that an incantation came to him in his dreams and its purpose was to attract women to him. Rumor has it that the mantra goes like this:

I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan
Too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
Of course, since the harem is made up mostly of ex-wives, the more likely rumored mantra goes:

4 8 15 16 23 42
(Sorry. You have to watch Lost to get that last one. Get with the program.)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Wisdom from Morrie

I have read the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" and watched the movie with Jack Lemon as Morrie. Good stuff. It has made me take stock of how my life is going and where I want to go in the future. Here are some collected quotes from the web:

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

“Seek the answers to eternal and ultimate questions about life and death, but be prepared not to find them. Enjoy the search.”

“Most people live, whether physically, intellectually or morally, in a very restricted circle of their potential being. They make use of a very small portion of their possible consciousness, and of their soul's resources in general, much like a man who, out of his whole bodily organism, should get into a habit of using and moving only his little finger. Great emergencies and crises show us how much greater our vital resources are than we had supposed.”

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in… Let it come in. We think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in we'll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said, ‘Love is the only rational act.’”

“There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.”

“If you're trying to show off for people at the top - - forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom - - forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.”

As I said, good stuff and well worth the read.

Tool Search

Question for all of you out there. I have become quite fed up with the range of blogging software out there. I find many with some features that I like, but not all features. For instance:

Blogger
Pro: No need for hosting. Everything is done for free with no worries. Anyone can post comments with no need for a login.
Con: Needs a hack to do extended entries. Comments are sequential, not threaded. Comments that are replied to have no e-mail notification except to the owner of the blog.

LiveJournal
Pro: Extended entry capability. Free unless you want special features. No need for hosting. Threaded comments and e-mail notification for comment and blog owner.
Con: You have to have either a login to LJ to comment or you have to post anonymous with no way of listing indentifiers.

Here are my qualifications for the perfect blog tool:

1. Extended entries.
2. Free to use.
3. Threaded comments.
4. Ability to post comments without a login ID.
5. E-mail notification for both the blog owner and commenters.
6. I would rather not host the site, but it is not a major gripe.

I like LJ for a number of reasons, mostly the community aspect. I have tried a lot of tools, but none have made me extraordinarilly happy. Advice anyone?

I have been looking at Serendipity as a possibility.

Friday, January 20, 2006

The ULTIMATE in Female Body Ornamentation...

Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going rate on the East Coast now exceeds five digits.














I know a few people who could use this.

Great Advice

Repeat After Me...

Turn your volume down if you are at work.

Songs That Make Me Think

Crucify
Tori Amos

Every finger in the room is pointing at me.
I wanna spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring.
I got a bowling ball in my stomach,
I got a desert in my mouth.
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I’ve been raising up my hands- drive another nail in.
Just what God needs, one more victim.

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Everyday I crucify myself.
Nothing I do is good enough for you.
Crucify myself.
Everyday I crucify myself,
And my heart is sick of being in chains.

Got a kick for a dog, beggin’ for love.
Gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross.
I know a cat named Easter, he says will you ever learn?
You’re just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird.

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I’ve been raising up my hands- drive another nail in.
Got enough guilt to start my own religion.

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Everyday I crucify myself.
Nothing I do is good enough for you.
Crucify myself.
Everyday I crucify myself,
And my heart is sick of being in chains.

Please be.
Save me.
I cry.

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets.
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets.
I’ve been raising up my hands- drive another nail in.
Where are those angels when you need them?

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Everyday I crucify myself.
Nothing I do is good enough for you.
Crucify myself.
Everyday I crucify myself.
And my heart is sick of being in chains.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Sometimes, It's Best to Stay Dead...

The third Spider-Man movie is introducing Gwen Stacy. They are trying to introduce a love triangle between Peter, MJ, and Gwen. Is it just me or does this sound like a bad idea? I am going to try to keep an open mind, but I doubt that I will like it very much. They have already used the most pivotal Gwen story elements in the first film, although MJ lived through being dropped off of the bridge. Gwen is rumored to live through this film. I feel like they should have introduced Gwen in the first movie if they had wanted to do it at all. The opportunity was missed, so leave it alone.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Excellent Ideas for TV/Movie-Based RPGs

Arref Mak linked to this article from Treasure Tables which details some issues with GMing a good TV/Movie-Based RPG.

I have faced the issues discussed in the article and have taken my own steps toward resoving them. I usually follow the Lost rule: "No one is safe. Anyone can die." This has worked through most of my games.

The article also linked to Johnathan Tweet's discussion of The Kirk Rule. There is not much that I can say that wouldn't be best served by simply reading the articles in question and giving them a rousing, "w00t!"

Talk About a Growth

Curse You Lost!!!

Thank you Italy for caring so much about our sex lives. An Italian sexologist has determined that having a TV in the bedroom significantly decreases sexual activities therein. This is exactly the reason why I have never wanted a TV in my bedroom. Not that I have that problem, the TV is almost never on in our bedroom. When it is, the kids crowd in and want to see what we are watching. Very non-conducive to the nookie.

A TV, however, does come in handy when you want to slip in a good naughty movie. Maybe the people whose sexual activity was cut in half were watching the wrong things. It all goes back to quality programming. Jay Leno is non-sexy. David Letterman is non-sexy. That mix tape of scenes edited to remove all those annoying bits of storyline... sexy.

Go Oregon!

I am a huge fan of assisted suicide. I have lived through far too many slow, painful deaths. I can say with some authority that at least half of them would have been far better off just going to sleep. It would have been an easier way to go and it would have been far easier on their families. I have said many times over that I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of the process of dying.

That is why I whole-heartedly give the Supreme Court a big thumbs up for their upholding of an Oregon assisted suicide law. The decision draws a firm line between what the federal government can and can not do to prevent states rights in cases like this. The federal government had threatened to use a loophope to stop the state from effectively using the new law.

I can not understand the morbid desire to stay alive until the last breath. What good do you do for yourself, your family, or for society when you are on a ventilator in excruciating pain dying from cancer? I have seen it up close and would rather die than be in that position. I would wait until I could serve no purpose, but I would not ever want to be kept alive when all hope was gone that I could lead a productive life. My worst fear is to be trapped in this husk once I am no longer able to communicate in any meaningful fashion. Existing merely to be a burden to my family is the worst curse that you could wish on me.

"We are disappointed at the decision. The president remains fully committed to building a culture of life ... that is built on valuing life at all stages," McClellan said.


We are so happy that the president is more interested in the quantity of life than the quality of life. Unfortunately, it is not his decision and he is most welcome to his viewpoint, which he can shove down the throats of all of his family members. Just keep your fingers out of our lives and deaths. The current administration would do well to remember what their job is: Running the business of this country, not deciding policy where it involves the individual. That is what we have state governemnts for, the minute details that involve the daily lives of its citizens.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

When a Stranger Calls

I am a sucker for urban myths. I have read a lot of the subject and love when a movie comes out that includes elements of one or more. The first Urban Legend movie was good as far a slasher flicks go, but I have never seen the others in the series.

I am really interested in how good When a Stranger Calls is going to be. This is a classic myth that ranks right up there with the old Hook Hand stories. I have no clue who the stars of the movie are, but that isn't really a deterent. Movies usually end up for the better if the stars are virtual unknowns. It's coming out on February 3rd. If any of you see it before me, let me know how it is.






The original movie came out in 1979, but I never saw it. It's a pity, really. I like Charles Durning, Carol Kane, and Colleen Dewhurst.

Man Munching

No, you dirty minded bastards. It's not what you think. See, there's this guy in Germany who wanted to eat human flesh, so what does any modern cannibal do? He advertises on the internet! After three people backed out, one goes along with it.

Not wierd enough for you? Well, for starters Meiwes (the eater) lops off Brandes's (the eatee) penis and they BOTH try to eat it. They both fail. Don't ask me how they failed at this. The article doesn't say and I really don't want to know.

After Brandes passed out from blood loss, Meiwes decided to pray about what to do next. Thinking that Brandes was dead, Meiwes plunged a knife in his throat to finish the job. I can only assume that he nipped a bit at the guy afterward.

To make matters even more bizzare, they taped the whole thing! It reminds me of the Monty Python "Lifeboat Sketch."


C: Listen...chaps...there's still a chance. I'm...done for, I've...got a gammy leg and I'm going fast; I'll never get through. But...some of you might. So...you'd better eat me.
?: Eat you, sir?
C: Yes. Eat me.
?: Iiuuhh! With a gammy leg?
C: You didn't eat the leg, Thompson. There's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.
5: It's not just the leg, sir.
C: What do you mean?
5: Well, sir...it's just that -
C: Why don't you want to eat me?
5: I'd rather eat Johnson, sir!
?: So would I, sir.
C: I see.
?: Then that's decided...everyone's gonna eat me!
?: Uh, well.
5: What, sir?
?: Go ahead, please, but I won't -
?: Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving; tuck in!
1: No, no, it's not that.
?: What's the matter with Johnson, sir?
1: Well, he's not kosher.
5: That depends how we kill him, sir.
1: Yes, that's true. But to be perfectly frank I...I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.
?: Oh well, all right.
5: I still prefer Johnson.
C: I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.





Crazy Eyes...







Yeah, so there is your wierd news for the day. Enjoy.

Hey! A Joke Was in My E-mail!

George Phillips of Elkins, West Virginia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot the sons-a-bitches". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Bored, bored, bored...

Being bored is a really good thing when compared to the alternative: brain-aching annoyance. No customer calls is a good thing. I work for the government, so it's not like we're losing money while I am busy not taking calls. I mean, I am in the queue. Don't misunderstand. The phones simply aren't lighting up.

This gives me ample time to work on posting. If only I could think of some good stuff to post. I mean, this is boring crap. I know I could do better. I'm at least moderately talented. I may have to search the newspile to see what I can bitch about. Ranting is good for the soul, right?

Welcome Home

Just stretching my legs her in my new digs. It's pretty good to be back in my original home. I started things right here in Bloggerland. Sometimes things just go full-circle. New beginnings do that.

Anyway, I am going to see how things fo around her for a few days before I go whole-hog and announce my arrival to the world. It would be a shame to have a bunch of Blogrolls updated and then have to break the news that I am dropping out all over again.